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How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

by Logan Ury


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A “must-read” (The Washington Post) funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

Have you ever looked around and wondered, “Why has everyone found love except me?” You’re not the only one. Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions, including whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, and when to commit to the right one. But our brains often get in the way. We make poor decisions, which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love.

Drawing from years of research, behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes. But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results. You have to actually change your behavior. Ury shows you how.

This “simple-to-use guide” (Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone) focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn:
-What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern)
-What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t)
-How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you)
-How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love)
-How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews)
-Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway)

This “data-driven” (Time), step-by-step guide to relationships, complete with hands-on exercises, is designed to transform your life. How to Not Die Alone will help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781982120634
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Publication date: 02/01/2022
Pages: 352
Sales rank: 5,256
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury is an internationally recognized expert on modern love. As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, Logan leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, she ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab—and created the popular interview series “Talks at Google: Modern Romance.” She is a 2018 TED Resident. Logan lives in the Bay Area with her husband, Scott. She credits her relationship success to the techniques outlined in How to Not Die Alone. Learn more at LoganUry.com or follow her @LoganUry.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1: Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before


  1. Dating is harder now than ever before. And you can tell your mom I said that.
  2. Here’s why:
    • We define our own identities, unlike our ancestors, whose lives were defined by their communities.
    • We have thousands of options at our fingertips, which causes us to question our decisions.
    • We’re uncomfortable making big decisions when we can’t research our way to the right answer.
    • Social media leads us to believe that everyone else is in healthier, happier relationships than we are.
    • Far too few of us have good relationship role models.
    • There are far more models for dating and long-term relationships.
    • We’re bombarded with messaging that we need to get this decision “right”—and that a right answer exists at all.
  3. But there’s hope. Using insights from behavioral science, we can take control of our love lives.

Table of Contents

Author's Note ix

Introduction 1

Section 1 Getting Ready

Chapter 1 Why Dating Is Harder Now Than Ever Before

How to Understand the Challenges of Modern Dating 9

Chapter 2 The Three Dating Tendencies

How to Discover Your Dating Blind Spots 17

Chapter 3 Disney Lied to Us

How to Overcome the Romanticizer Tendency 23

Chapter 4 Don't Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Great

How to Overcome the Maximizer Tendency 37

Chapter 5 Don't Wait, Date

How to Overcome the Hesitater Tendency 49

Chapter 6 Learn Your Attachment Style

How to Manage Your Attachment Style 65

Chapter 7 Look for a Life Partner, Not a Prom Date

How to Focus on What Matters in a Long-Term Partner 75

Section 2 Getting Out There

Chapter 8 You Think You Know What You Want, but You're Wrong

How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Online Dating 105

Chapter 9 Meet People IRL (In Real Life)

How to Find Love off the Dating Apps 131

Chapter 10 This Is a Date, Not a Job Interview

How to Create Better Dates 149

Chapter 11 F**k the Spark

How to Reject Myths About Instant Chemistry 171

Chapter 12 Go on the Second Date

How to Decide if You Should See Someone Again 179

Section 3 Getting Serious

Chapter 13 Decide, Don't Slide

How to Consciously Navigate Relationship Milestones 199

Chapter 14 Stop Hitching and Stop Ditching

How to Decide if You Should Break Up 211

Chapter 15 Make a Breakup Plan

How to Break Up with Someone 231

Chapter 16 Reframe Your Breakup as a Gain, Not a Loss

How to Overcome Heartbreak 251

Chapter 17 Before You Tie the Knot, Do This

How to Decide if You Should Get Married 267

Chapter 18 Intentional love

How to Build Relationships That Last 279

Acknowledgments 289


Critical Conversation Planning Doc 295

Relationship Contract; Self-Reflection Worksheet 299

Relationship Contract 305

Notes 319

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