I'd Like to Play Alone, Please: Essays

by Tom Segura

Overview

Notes From Your Bookseller

We love a triple threat comedian — one whose stand-up makes us laugh, followed up by podcast hosting duties AND THEN a round of late-night talk show appearances. It stands to reason that we will now get to hold all his humor and observations in our hands with the release of a book.

From a massively successful stand-up comedian and co-host of chart-topping podcasts “2 Bears 1 Cave” and “Your Mom’s House,” hilarious real-life stories of parenting, celebrity encounters, youthful mistakes, misanthropy, and so much more. 
 
Tom Segura is known for his twisted takes and irreverent comedic voice. But after a few years of crazy tours and churning out podcasts weekly, all while parenting two young children, he desperately needs a second to himself. It’s not that he hates his friends and family — he’s not a monster — he’s just beat, which is why his son’s (ruthless) first full sentence, “I’d like to play alone, please,” has since become his mantra. 
 
In this collection of stories, Tom combines his signature curmudgeonly humor with a revealing look at some of the ridiculous situations that shaped him and the ludicrous characters who always seem to seek him out. The stories feature hilarious anecdotes about Tom's time on the road, including some surreal encounters with celebrities at airports; his unfiltered South American family; the trials and tribulations of parenting young children with bizarrely morbid interests; and, perhaps most memorably, experiences with his dad who, like any good Baby Boomer father, loves to talk about his bowel movements and share graphic Vietnam stories at inappropriate moments. All of this is enough to make anyone want some peace and quiet. 
 
I’D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE, PLEASE will have readers laughing out loud and nodding in agreement with Segura's message: in a world where everyone is increasingly insane, sometimes you just need to be alone.


 

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781538704639
Publisher:	Grand Central Publishing
Publication date:	06/14/2022
Pages:	240
Sales rank:	8,233
Product dimensions:	6.20(w) x 9.00(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Tom Segura is a comedian originally from Cincinnati, Ohio. Well known for his Netflix specials Ball Hog, Disgraceful, Completely Normal, and Mostly Stories, Segura has also made feature film appearances that include Instant Family, Countdown, Flinch, and The Opening Act, among others. Tom is one of the top selling touring acts in the world, having sold hundreds of thousands of tickets on multiple international tours. Additionally, he co-hosts two of the most popular comedy podcasts, "Your Mom's House," with his wife, comedian Christina P. and "Two Bears, One Cave" with fellow comedian Bert Kreischer. Segura also producers multiple podcasts under his YMH Studios brand. 

Table of Contents

A Note from the Author ix

My Father, the Savage 1

Paging Dr. Stupid 9

Bruce Bruce 17

I Had a Dream 21

Que Viva El Perú, Carajo! 33

Chris Tucker 41

Five Star 45

West 59

Lost Wallet 69

Jill Scott 83

A Lot Too Much 89

Concha Mi Madre 101

America's Most Wanted 107

Serena Williams 113

Road Dog 119

Bank Shot 137

No Fat Chicks 145

Chris Noth 151

What's the Theme? 157

Trickin' on the Track 171

Omarion 175

Pick One 177

What's Wrong with Me? 183

Save the Word 195

Photo Essay 203

Mike Tyson 211

Pulitzer Prize Submission 225

Acknowledgments 227

Editorial Reviews

03/21/2022

“Inside every smart-ass is the person they’re publicly scared to be,” muses comedian Segura in this irreverent collection of personal stories, his debut. Though he’s performed on stage with big names like Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, and Dave Chappelle, Segura reveals to readers that behind the jokes, he’s a bit of a “softie” who still gets starstruck from time to time—as when, on a flight to L.A., he blurted out “you’re the greatest” to tennis star Serena Williams (before remembering a bit he’d done about her “sitting on my face” in a Netflix special). He also cherishes his solitude: the book’s title, inspired by the same request from his toddler, Segura admits is “a credo I deeply believe in.” As he pokes fun at himself with hilarious anecdotes such as responding to social media trolls as his fake assistant, Segura delivers plenty of twisted “just-kidding” jokes to make sure the readers are paying attention, including one about spending a spring in Paris with the late infamous sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. While his brand of profane humor certainly isn’t for everyone (following the Epstein gag, he archly posits that maybe the Taliban aren’t “so bad,” but instead “guys you want to have a beer with”), Segura’s candor is undeniably entertaining. Fans will find this a riot. (June)

Publishers Weekly

I’d Like to Play Alone, Please is a stereotypically masculine tour de force with farts, football and a third thing starting with “f” that’s not fit to print, occasionally interrupted by completely disarming, heartfelt sentiments. Then followed by more poop jokes…The book is funny, surprising and even sweet at times."—Associated Press

"Segura’s quick wit and irreverent charm come across loud and clear in “I’d Like to Play Alone, Please,” a collection of essays that reads like a stand-up set deserving of a standing ovation."—The Los Angeles Times

"[L]augh out loud funny. . .Segura is impish and charming and clever and self-deprecating."—Forbes

"Stand-up comedian Tom Segura built his career making laugh-out-loud funny observations live, onstage and for his multiple podcasts. With the fittingly titled I’d Like To Play Alone, Please—so named for Segura’s son’s brutally pointed first sentence—the witty, relatable, exhausted curmudgeon welcomes audiences into an equally entertaining but more intimate romp."—AV Club

“Tom Segura delivers a treatise that is as timely as it is thought provoking and…actually, he did something better…a book that’s ridiculously funny!!!! If you want to live inside the mind of one of the best comics out there, here’s your chance. I hear the audio version is for shit, though…”—Jon Stewart

“One of the funniest men I know has written an extremely funny book of stories that he's never told on stage.  There's lots to learn too, like how close Tom came to playing in the NFL (not very); or why sitting next to Mike Tyson on a plane is the most dangerous and exciting thing in world; or how Tom continues to be one of the greatest storytellers on the planet."—Ali Wong

“Tom Segura is a great guy, an amazing friend, and a limitless well of hilarious stories. He also has an appreciation for the absurdity of life that borders on mental illness. This book is a window into his beautifully f*cked-up mind, where some of the dumbest people and the ridiculous things they do take center stage, all masterfully animated by one of the best stand-up comics on earth. He’s my favorite kind of comic because his take on life is legitimately therapeutic. His enthusiasm for stupid sh*t is so contagious that it actually changes your mood and convinces you to join in on his way of seeing it. I love him to death, and his book is f*cking awesome.”—Joe Rogan

"[An] rrreverent collection of personal stories. . .Segura’s candor is undeniably entertaining. Fans will find this a riot."—Publishers Weekly

"While Segura’s off-color humor is not for everyone, his fans will doubtlessly enjoy both his essays and the included black-and-white photos. Often crude but undeniably funny."—Kirkus Reviews

From the Publisher

01/01/2022

From youthful missteps to the travails of parenting to the fun (maybe?) of celebrity encounters, popular standup comedian and podcaster Segura ( 2 Bears 1 Cave, Your Mom's House) weaves together stories from his life that explain why he's frazzled enough to agree occasionally with his young son's plea: "I'd like to play alone, please." With a 100,000-copy first printing.

Library Journal

2022-05-04
A stand-up comedian and popular podcaster riffs on his life and career in a series of personal essays.

Tongue firmly in cheek, Segura elevates being average and occasionally obscene to something approaching the extraordinary. The son of a Catholic Vietnam veteran who loved to talk “about shitting, farting, wiping, or wishing he was doing one of those things,” the author once thought to become a cardiothoracic surgeon because it sounded impressive. Instead, he cultivated a cutting wit he used to dispel attacks from schoolmates who called him "gringo" during the summers he spent in his mother’s native Peru. Stateside, Segura developed a deep appreciation for Black culture, especially comedians like Chris Rock, while also dreaming of becoming a football star like Deion Sanders. However, he was “borderline special needs level” in school, which caused him to miss out on scholarships, and excessive weight kept him “play[ing] on the line with the other fatties.” Later, he remarks that his heaviness did have the unexpected benefit of keeping him alive after an unintended mega-overdose of GHB during college. Segura’s savage honesty can be traced back to an “anxious, paranoid” mother with “exemplary manners” whom he calls “legit funny,” largely because of an “inability to bite her tongue.” The author acknowledges that his own lack of a filter has caused him severe embarrassment. In recalling an airplane encounter with Serena Williams, he recommended she get to know his work through a Netflix special—only to remember later on that the show featured a death-fantasy bit about Serena “sitting on my face” and her sister Venus “polishing me off, and they’re trying to fit a racket in my ass or something like that.” While Segura’s off-color humor is not for everyone, his fans will doubtlessly enjoy both his essays and the included black-and-white photos.

Often crude but undeniably funny.

Kirkus Reviews