You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

by Kate Murphy

Overview

You're Not Listening is New York Times contributor Kate Murphy's eye-opening wake-up call about the worldwide epidemic of not listening.

"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset—and this book does it with science and humor."—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take

**Hand picked by Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Cain, and Daniel Pink for Next Big Ideas Club**

"An essential book for our times."—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?

At work, we’re taught to lead the conversation.
On social media, we shape our personal narratives.
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.

Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and less tolerant than ever before. A listener by trade, New York Times contributor Kate Murphy wanted to know how we got here.

In this always illuminating and often humorous deep dive, Murphy explains why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. She makes accessible the psychology, neuroscience, and sociology of listening while also introducing us to some of the best listeners out there (including a CIA agent, focus group moderator, bartender, radio producer, and top furniture salesman). Equal parts cultural observation, scientific exploration, and rousing call to action that's full of practical advice, You're Not Listening is to listening what Susan Cain's Quiet was to introversion. It’s time to stop talking and start listening.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781250779878
Publisher:	Celadon Books
Publication date:	08/03/2021
Pages:	304
Sales rank:	25,483
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Kate Murphy is a Houston, Texas–based journalist who has written for The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

1 The Lost Art of Listening 5

2 That Syncing Feeling: The Neuroscience of Listening 21

3 Listening to Your Curiosity: What We Can Learn from Toddlers 35

4 I Know What You're Going to Say: Assumptions as Earplugs 47

5 The Tone-Deaf Response: Why People Would Rather Talk to Their Dog 61

6 Talking Like a Tortoise, Thinking Like a Hare: The Speech-Thought Differential 70

7 Listening to Opposing Views: Why It Feels Like Being Chased by a Bear 78

8 Focusing on What's Important: Listening in the Age of Big Data 89

9 Improvisationai Listening: Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Work 103

10 Conversational Sensitivity: What Terry Gross, LBJ, and Con Men Have in Common 114

11 Listening to Yourself: The Voluble Inner Voice 128

12 Supporting, Not Shifting, the Conversation 136

13 Hammers, Anvils, and Stirrups: Turning Sound Waves into Brain Waves 153

14 Addicted to Distraction 172

15 What Words Conceal and Silences Reveal 183

16 The Morality of Listening: Why Gossip Is Good for You 193

17 When to Stop Listening 202

Conclusion 218

Gratitude 225

Notes 229

Index 269

Reading Group Guide

1. Has reading You're Not Listening changed how you listen? In what way?

2. What was the most surprising thing you learned about listening?

3. Do you think listening is a skill you are born with or one you develop?

4. Who do you have trouble listening to? Why?

5. Who do you enjoy listening to? Why?

6. Do you find some situations or environments more or less conducive to listening than others?

7. Who’s the best/worst listener in your life? What makes that person a good/bad listener?

8. Do you recall a time when you didn’t listen but wish you had?

9. Do you recall a time when you were glad you listened? Like maybe when someone gave you good advice or said something that tipped you off that the speaker was disingenuous?

10. Are there certain topics of conversation that make you more or less likely to listen?

11. When do you think it’s okay to stop listening to someone?

Editorial Reviews

One of The Washington Post's "Notable Works of Nonfiction in 2020"

"If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset—and this book does it with science and humor."
-Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take

“You’re Not Listening is an essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how.”
-Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

"I was instantly hooked by Kate Murphy's simple but profound argument—that although listening is the foundation of communication, innovation, growth, and love, few of us really know how to do it properly, or where to even start. You're Not Listening is a captivating and enlightening book that provides readers with a road map on how to listen and why it is so important to how we connect, work, and live."
-Kim Scott, New York Times bestselling author of Radical Candor

"This lively book makes an impassioned plea for listening—an instructive and thought-provoking book that will help readers think about the way they frame questions and responses to forge intimacy."
-Financial Times

"Fiercely topical...You're Not Listening is an intriguing and constructive take on the problem...and a manual for better communication. Murphy’s book is intelligent and thought-provoking…. Listening is when someone take a real interest in who you are…a moment of attunement and understanding that sticks in both heads. We could all do with some of that."
-The Times (London)

"It’s time for a spot of re-education.... A fascinating guide to something we assume we do automatically, yet for the most part do very badly.... The art of listening is really the art of being human."
-The Guardian

"In an age when technology has made it easier than ever before to talk with each other, we’ve paradoxically become worse at listening. Fortunately, we have Kate Murphy to teach us how to reclaim this crucial skill. This book changed the way I think about communicating with the people who matter to me."
-Cal Newport, New York Times bestselling author of Deep Work and Digital Minimalism

"With concrete advice and a wealth of guidelines, readers will come away with tips for a better approach, one that can be exceptionally useful, whether in the boardroom or at home. In an era dominated by incessant broadcasting and attention-seeking behavior on social media, listening offers both a salve and a solution."
-Booklist

"From communication researchers to general audiences, this informative and well-documented book will prod readers to reexamine the way they listen to others, individually and collectively, and to consider the many negative repercussions of not doing so."
-Library Journal

"The premise of this book couldn't be more timely... inspiringly profound… Smart and playful... It feels like a reiteration of something essential... Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. Hear, hear."
-The Observer

"Kate Murphy…has pinpointed an uneasy truth in her new book: we may be great at leading the conversations, but perhaps not so much being on the receiving end of them.”
-Independent.ie

From the Publisher

11/01/2019

Journalist Murphy leaves no doubt about the importance of listening both for individuals and for society as a whole. She believes that listening well leads to understanding and wisdom, and enriches our experiences and interactions with others. Murphy reminds readers that active listening takes practice, focus, and is grounded in curiosity. She cites examples that show how listening is becoming a lost skill in today's distraction-filled and polarized world; evidence references previous research on the social and psychological aspects of listening and effective listening techniques as seen in interviews with criminal justice interrogators, improv comedians, writers, salespeople, priests, and even con artists. She covers the mechanics of hearing and shows how the multisensory nature of listening depends on nonverbal cues. VERDICT From communication researchers to general audiences, this informative and well-documented book will prod readers to reexamine the way they listen to others, individually and collectively, and to consider the many negative repercussions of not doing so.—Theresa Muraski, Univ. of Wisconsin-Stevens Point Lib.

Library Journal

2019-11-19
A lively debut that asserts the power of closing our mouths and opening our ears.

Houston-based journalist Murphy delves into the academic research on listening, which tends to be scantier than that on its noisier cousin, talking, and chronicles her interviews with those whose work revolves around hearing and paying attention, including a priest, a bartender, and a CIA agent. The author suggests that what might seem at first to be a passive activity is in fact an active, demanding one and a skill that can be learned with practice. At the basis of listening, Murphy maintains, is a sharp curiosity and the kind of openness that indicates the hearer has something to learn from the speaker. The author recommends thinking of active listening as a form of meditation. During a conversation, "you make yourself aware of and acknowledge distractions, then return to focus. But instead of focusing on your breathing or an image, you return your attention to the speaker." She points out that one of the primary obstacles to listening is the assumption that we know what someone is going to say, which means, unfortunately, that we're least likely to pay attention to the people closest to us, including spouses, children, and friends. In a chapter that is particularly helpful and relevant in our increasingly polarized world, Murphy offers suggestions on "Listening to Opposing Views," including recognizing the rather remarkable fact that when people with "staunch political views" are challenged on them, "their brains reacted as if they were being chased by a bear." On a practical level, the author also recognizes that it's not necessary to "listen to everyone until they run out of breath." While the narrative runs out of steam toward the end, repeating points that have already been made, it offers enough valuable advice and concrete suggestions to make it worth reading, even for those who already think they know how to listen.

A valuable corrective for a talkative culture.

Kirkus Reviews